This is officially ”Bride and Wedding Month“, so you’ll read some rants (and raves) about brides, their families/friends and…all manner of wedding stuff. Hey, it’s June

One of the most common complaints about wedding dress samples is that their way too small, for the average bride to try on. I’m with that, and I know it’s evil, but that’s the way it is. I used to be heavy, so I understand. Really. But, there’s not much that’ll be done about it. My salon orders a few samples in size 16, which is about a street size 12. That’s just couture bridal sizing.

We get a lot of complaints, from the “size 2″ crowd, “How can Hailey tell how the dress will look? She’s SWIMMING in it. It’s so BIG!  “  Are you kiddin’ me? Folks actually expect salons to stock samples in small enough sizes, so only the upper 5 percent of the population can try them on? If the average size in the US is a size 14, then we need to go UP in size, not…down. Come on, people! Most salons have clips and you have to be able to visualize. It’s not that hard. God forbid if you gain a little weight, and end up being a GINORMOUS size 6, which means you’ll be able to fit most couture samples. What do you want?

I spent 20 minutes on the phone with a bride, who was highly upset that she couldn’t find a salon with Vera Wang size 4 samples (which is a size 0, in real life), for her bridesmaids to try on. I wanted to say to her, “Do you realize how many women can’t even get their LEG in a size 2 sample?” Are folks that out of touch?

A Nappy Girl

Bridezilla
Yay! It’s that time of the year! The marrying time. Brides are stressed out, and often misfocused (yes, I made up the word). The economy is shot, but folks still wanna have the “dream” wedding, even if it means nightmares for all those involved. Don’t go there.

• Most people are more than willing to do more than necessary, when you’re civil, considerate and respectful. Act like a demon-possessed banshee if you wanna, and some folks will smile at you, while your head is spinning and green stuff is coming from your mouth — and you STILL won’t get what you want. What a waste of energy. Unless you’re a gazillionaire, NO AMOUNT OF MONEY will be worth the stress of working with you. Expect good customer service.  Be firm, when you need to be. But remember, nice brides (and nice people in general) get more goodies.




• Don’t waste folk’s time. Time is money. I know you think trying on dresses (with eight of your best friends) is the most fun thing in the world, but if you’re not ready to buy a dress (or even engaged, or don’t have a boyfriend, let alone a fiance…), don’t waste my time. I make money when I sell. Spending two hours with you, only to discover that your aunt is making your dress, or you can’t afford the dresses I sell, takes me away from the brides who are ready to buy. There’s no other way to say it.  If you’re in commission sales, you understand what I’m talking about. I love you, but I have to eat…and live…and pay bills. Be respectful of everyone’s time. If you can’t keep an appointment, call and cancel.




• Folks love to lament about how customer service is almost non-existent. But there’s another side to it, and with brides, it’s a side seen way too often. I had a bride, who asked me to have a dress sent directly from a designer, for her to try on. I went thru a lot to get the dress, and I explained to her that it was going to be difficult to get the dress, because it was a new design and wasn’t in stores yet. I wanted to make SURE she wanted to see the gown. After I pulled many strings to get the gown in, she didn’t return my calls — neither did her mom. Now, a simple, “Thanks, but I’m no longer interested” would have been the considerate thing to do. It’s like folks just don’t…care. But if a vendor falls short, in any way, it’s like all hell breaks loose. Treat folks with the same respect you desire.




• Don’t walk in a bridal salon, and talk negatively about the dresses. ”These gowns are UGLY and overpriced!” isn’t something that you (or your mean-muggin’ friends) need to be declaring within earshot of me and my fellow consultants.  If you don’t like what you see, then leave. Quietly.




• When you go on The Knot, to badmouth a vendor, be careful and make sure you give all the details — not just your side of the story, which is often not 100% truthful. A lot of us (in the wedding business) know each other, and we know who YOU are (because we recognize your picture, screename, the situation you wrote about online, or whatever).  Sometimes, it’s best to sit down with a cup of tea…and relax.
  

  On the flipside, don’t read every complaint by disgruntled brides as if it’s the total truth. Too often, it’s very one-sided.  The ”it’s all about me!” brides leave out key details, so they will look like mistreated victims, and the vendors like the devil. Do some research, and talk to some folks, before you write off a prospective vendor. Some “knotties” are “knutties”.

A wedding SHOULD be about two people, celebrating a decision to spend their lives together.  The wedding is not the most important thing in the world — sorry if folks don’t wanna here that, but some couples aren’t making it to the final destination (the altar), because the wedding is way too important. I’m not a psychologist (by profession), but I often wonder about women, who are SO emotionally invested in a…wedding. How a woman behaves, during the planning of her wedding, says a lot about her character and level of mental  health. A woman doesn’t just turn into a “bridezilla”. The tendencies were there, all along. Nice people make nice brides.

A Nappy Girl

That’s me. Hallmark needs to come out with a new eCard: Screaming Banshee Without High-Speed Internet.

Not familiar with the screamin’ wonder? Well check her out. First, turn down the volume on your computer. The different scenarios would go somethin’ like this:

• Screaming NEA Banshee tries to download a 30mb file. “AHHHHH!!!!!!!”
• Screaming NEA Banshee tries to load her website. “GAHHHHHHH!!!!”
• Screaming NEA Banshee tries to view the Iron Man trailer. “UGHHHHHH!!!!”

  
Why do they call it “dial-UP”? There’s nothing “up” about it. It’s all…down. The speed. Your mood. The only thing that’s “up” is your blood pressure.

NEA

Moms, while you’re spending so much time, making sure your daughters are strong, intelligent and self-sufficient, make sure you impart these little pearls of knowledge:

• Wear underwear when you try on clothes (preferably clean underwear).
• Be clean, when you try on clothes. Shower before you go clothes shopping.
• Wear nylons/footies/socks when you try on shoes.
• Wash your hands when you leave the restroom.

I’m VERY tired of my hair, right now. I had a particularly GRUELING detangling session (my hair wanted to knot up and wouldn’t give in to my detangling solution), a few days ago, and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to keep doing my own hair, if I allow it to stay long. It’s too much hair, and too much work. It’s blowdried out, and in two pigtails right now — very “grandma-ish”, and I’m very fine with that.

Why can’t folks handle his name? It’s “BARACK OBAMA”, people! Not “Barama Orack”. Not “Baracka Obamo”. 

My DSL is MIA. My modem is dead, and it’ll be about a week, before I get my new one. I’m using dial-up. Can you hear me screaming?

A Nappy Girl